For many of us, making new friends as an adult is no small feat. I would categorize “adult” as ages 28 and up. There are either issues with logistics, or it’s timing, and let’s face it — some of us are just awkward (raises hand). As I’ve gotten older, I’ve tried to stop looking at it as “making friends” but rather as building community. This isn’t high school, and I’ve long stopped wanting to be popular.

I believe building community as an adult is paramount to our mental and spiritual wellbeing. As we get older, life simply gets a bit tougher. We suddenly become acutely aware of our mortality, sh!t gets realer, and we learn that we need folks that are just as willing to pour into our cups as we are into theirs.

Logistically, my closest friends live hundreds, if not thousands of miles away. One year, I nearly went bankrupt trying to see one of my dear friends more than once, when she lives in Switzerland. I remember telling Mitch that it is important to me that we are financially stable enough that I can show up for my friends for their life events like weddings, milestone birthdays, and those moments when life gets hard. A friend I’ve known since 9th grade, went radio silent for months. When I did finally speak with her, I learned she’d been dealing with severe depression. I booked a flight immediately. That’s what I mean about community.

When you want to build community, and maintain community, you have to actually BE community yourself. I think we forget to ask ourselves if we are already what we are looking for in others. It’s hard asking ourselves that question because sometimes we might find that the answer is “no.” What I found was that I was stretching myself too thin. I’m aware there are those that seem to have a million friends, but what I realized is that that can never be me.

When I’m your friend, I’m all the way in. I want fellowship. I want to share in your ups and downs. I want community. Building community isn’t simple; well, at least for me it isn’t. What building community is, is intentional. It takes introspection and it demands integrity. Building community also requires you to be both open & vulnerable.

Find a way to meet people who have a similar lifestyle.

We’ve been in our new build neighborhood for a year and a half now. We live in the deep suburbs of Georgia. I remember being concerned about moving to the suburbs because I didn’t know if I would fit in with the suburban moms. Full transparency, I was also worried about being made into the token Black friend. But I also knew this was my best chance at meeting folks with a similar lifestyle to us. It was really a no brainer. So I went into meeting my new neighbors being open. Open about who we are, so that those around us felt free to be and do the same. Now we have a group consisting of 4 homes that hang together regularly. We all went “all-in” with one another and it’s turned out beautifully.

When you meet someone you like, be transparent.

Shoot your friendship shot! Friendships are like dating — especially in adulthood. I don’t know why we have such a hard time admitting that to ourselves. With time, I’ve learned to be more direct. I’ve even found myself saying “I would like to be friends” to a couple of people. Remember me mentioning that I can be awkward? Well plot twist, A LOT of people are awkward and they don’t always pick up on subliminal messaging. Sure, I’ve been burned a couple of times, but in those moments, I’ve learned so much about myself and I’m still thankful for those friendships that were only for a season. 

Seek quality over quantity – always.

This probably feels like one of those things that shouldn’t have to be said, but I will write it out anyway: quality is always better than quantity when it comes to your community. Whether you realize it or not, focusing on quantity is just another way of needing to feel wanted by the wrong people and it will drain you. How can you be community yourself, pour into the cups of others, when you are constantly drained or stretched thin? Focus on the people that you truly want to build deeper connections with. Pay attention to how you feel after you’ve been around someone or someones. We are all far too busy to be giving our whole selves to every single connection or relationship, so choose wisely. That actually brings me to my final point…

Know when the ship has sailed, or is at half mast.

I mentioned earlier about some friendships being seasonal. That’s just life, really. I recently realized that out of the 5 people part of my side of our wedding party, I am now only in contact with 3 of them..and in some cases — barely. That’s okay, and I wouldn’t change asking them to be part of our special day. In that moment in time, we were thick as thieves; however, life has happened and there’s no need to force what we once had. Whether we’re moving (i.e. logistics), growing up, or changing, sometimes we lose certain connections — and that is okay! Focus on the now and on those that want to be part of your community.